Can you define me?

Honestly, when I walked across the stage I believed what everyone was telling me; that my whole life was ahead of me, that things were going to be so much better than they’d been before. 

Then I went to college, to the university in my home town. I don’t know what went wrong exactly. I was isolated, mostly by my own choices. I was so afraid, all the time. If someone stared at me in the dining hall or class, or whispered to their friend while looking at me, I worried what they were thinking/ saying. I stopped going to class, stopped going out except when absolutely necessary. I ate at times I knew the dining halls would be deserted. 

I tried different schools, but could never figure out who I wanted to be, what life to choose. My therapist tells me this is because I suffer from clinical depression, and that eats away at your ability to function even in the least stressful environment.

I’m still recovering from depression. It’s something that’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. The best guess I have for when it started initially was when I began cutting when I was thirteen. But even years before that, I remember obsessing over death, what it meant and would it be better than life. I questioned why I had friends, why anyone would want to be around me until I decided that no one knew me, and that’s why they were my friends. 

Therapists always want to find a defining moment, one thing that makes you ‘depressed’. Because if they can find that, then they can cure you. Maybe it all started when my parents began arguing more than they had normal conversation, or when they got divorced, or when my birth mom left. Blame it on genetics or whatever you want, but to me, the cause is so insignificant compared to how it’s affected my life. 

The thing is depression isn’t what hurts me the most. It’s how everyone, my friends, family, and therapists, all want me to change, to be someone I’m not. And even if I’m complete shit, I would hope that the people who love me would still rather have me be me than someone else. 

They don’t understand, depression is part of who I am, as much as it hurts sometimes or hinders me, I don’t think I can live without it. maybe that sounds fucked up, but what people don’t see is that maybe somedays are horrible but there are other days, days that I’m so happy and alive and truly aware of all that’s good. It’s not like I’m just moping around, unable to enjoy anything. I know it’s that way for some people, but not me. Depression is the flip side for all the beauty I’m lucky enough to be able to see in the world, in my life. 

Three years ago I graduated from high school. And it’s taken me pretty much that long to realize who I want to be. 

Myself; with all the problems, insecurities, and sorrow that comes with being me, there’s also so much joy and beauty. And love. 

Note: This was sent to me by a nontumblr user, and I thought it was pretty cool. 

So hey Ty, here you go.

Strangers at school, see my scars, faded lines on my arms. they’re confused by my bubbly demeanor. They want to ask but don’t know how. They will never be explained to that I’m stronger now. they will never ask. I’m stronger now. that’s all you need to know.

The reason I used the title that I did is because as a child I was broken. Through out my life my mother has had an addiction, and she has been a stripper. When I was in the fifth grade my mother introduced me to pot, and I hardly went to school throughout that year, and failed. After that  year of school we started moving around. She pulled me out of school and started homeschooling me, and by that I mean that I didn’t do anything, like any kid would. We lived out of a hotel for about two years, and after that we finally moved into an apartment. Once we did that, my mother started doing cocaine. I am a carbon copy of my mother. When you get involved with drugs, and bad people, bad things happen. We had drug dealers breaking in, and I was held at gunpoint, because they though that I was my mother. Thankfully I lived. After about a year in the apartment, my aunt came and took me away. There is more to the story, but that is just another chapter of my life. Due to my past I am a changed person, and a strong one at that. I wouldn’t be who I am today without the experiences that I have been through.

I am fairly young. I have always been the youngest of all my friends, the youngest of my family, but I don’t look it. It’s a blessing and a curse. I’ve lied about my age countless times. Not to look cool and not to achieve some social acceptance, mind you. It’s only because most days I feel as old as the sun and others I feel about 19 so why tell the truth that feels more like the lie anyways? It wasn’t until recently I became comfortable with my age. And what a weird thing to not feel comfortable about to begin with! Your age changes with every day but that’s the thing, I always feel like life is going by too fast and I’m stuck far far behind. I’ll always get social stigma thrown at me when I reveal my age for the first time but to me it merely means I have even more time to fuck up than you do. 

Maybe part of peoples’ attitude towards my age has to deal with the fact that I am also a girl and I have never been afraid to flaunt it. I have tits and hips and hair longer than the nile river and I want everyone to know it! A radical girl like this certainly can’t be roaming the streets especially at this age, now can she!?

And lastly, the vegan title. The only thing I have to say here is I definitely wouldn’t be so comfortable with my body if it weren’t for my strict vegan diet. Thanks for reading, have a wonderful night.

I want to prove to myself I have the courage to let complete strangers know the biggest part of who I am. 

(trigger warning: self mutilation/injury, mental health)

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I guess I’ve never really wondered or questioned my identity as far as sexuality/ gender go. I’ve always been a girly girl with a tad bit of tomboy thrown in. And I’ve actually always loved being a girl. I love the make up, the clothes, being able to cry when an amazing song comes on without being labeled by the mainstream as ‘weak’ (though I believe crying with complete abandon takes an enormous amount of strength). 

I’ve also always been really clear about being attracted to men. Honestly, I’ve never had a crush on a girl. I just haven’t. 

And while society would consider that the ‘norm’, I’ve never really felt ‘normal’; I know what it’s like to feel like an outcast, even though I’m a strait white girl. 

I identify as black, I am of black/choctaw decent. My family’s filled with people of many races and ethnicities and I am proud of that.  I don’t allow my skin color to define that I am black, I define that I am black. 

I am genderfluid. I’ve just recently labeled my fluidity, but it’s nothing new to me. I’ve been calling myself by my male/female names on and off since I was a child, and my parents went along with it. My father would sometimes say that, “My daughter’s the best son I’ve ever had.” in a light tone. I was always proud to hear him say that. I’ve tried many times to just be a girl and do ‘girly’ things but it never works. There’s a male side to me that I don’t like to deny, and when the female side comes out, I roll with it. I thoroughly love waking up and just being, regardless of which side is dominant that day. 

I identify with pansexual and just like my gender fluidity, it’s nothing new to me. When I first started dating it hit me that I didn’t have a preference for girls or boys, I simply went out with whomever I connected with. I found myself attracted to bigenders, fluids, gays, bis, etc…and I didn’t see a problem with it. It was a little bit frustrating when I couldn’t find someone like me to talk to, or how when I tried to explain how I felt I was simply labeled ’bi’. I was so happy to finally have a word to use for who I am and will gladly explain pansexual everytime I’m asked about it. 

I identify as white, I’m a full blooded German. I speak German, my family is from Germany. And us Germans are as white as they come. But I’m also from the midwest, I’ve never been around culture that isn’t predominantly white so beyond just the color of my skin I am white. Culturally I’ve been surrounded by the mainstream and by the majority, and to say that hasn’t influenced me would be a lie.

I am Christian, not because I was raised that way but because I found it. Neither of my parents were religious, but both of them encouraged me to find what was right for me to follow. I studied and read about other religions, knowing that in my heart I was missing the piece that would lead to wholeness. Faith was what I was missing. I found that love, and wholeness in the phrase “That whosoever believeth in me shall not perish, but have ever lasting life.” That was a really powerful moment. To all of the sudden be overwhelmed with such grace and love that I can only describe as divine. That was the moment I became a Christian.

I identify with the title wife, not because I believe it is important to be someone’s wife, but because I have given a huge part of myself to my husband who has in turn given back to me. He loves me with grace, and gentleness that gives me pride to call him my husband, and call myself his wife. To come home and fall into his arms is all I ever need,  and all I really want. So I will wear that label with pride, it’s the only one I’ve earned.

Before anything else, I identify as male. I guess I identify this way because of how society perceives masculinity. I’ve never had the urge to perform the female gender, although I definitely have qualities that are perceived by society to be feminine. I could go into a long explanation about all of this, but I would essentially be explaining my whole life, as my gender identity is a culmination of my entire existence.

My romantic orientation is gay. I have many female friends, but even the closest only feel like family. I feel very strong emotional connections to men, however. Currently, I’m engaged to a man who is older than I am, and has a lowered sex drive. This doesn’t bother me because the emotional connection is so strong. Even with my straight-identifying-male friends, I feel stronger connections. 

I never had a lack of love or support from either males or females in my life. However, I crave emotional support from a man. I feel that the typical “man” is viewed as not wanting to show emotion, or as having weaker feelings than women. I have always felt that men have a strong, deep emotional base and I enjoy seeing it surface. My emotions are the same. I seek out the love that I give.

Identifying as bisexual is new for me. As I stated, I have no romantic attraction to women. However, I do find some women attractive. The older I get, the more I realize that I could have sex with a women if the opportunity arose. I enjoy both gay and straight porn, and occasionally find myself aroused by women that I meet. I’ve never had sex with a woman though. I’ve also never told anyone this before…I’m still not sure if bisexual is even the right word.